Eligibility Model (Part 1)

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Okay, fundamental question I often asked about romantic relationship:

In determining whether someone willing to engage in romantic relationship with you or not which is more important? Is it :

  • Who you are, or
  • What you do

Before going any further, I want to underline that even though one of the dimension of the two stated above may seems more crucial than the other (after this elaboration) it doesn’t mean you can just focus on one of the dimension and neglect the other . Both play their own role, different role but both are significant nonetheless. I happen to have developed my own equation about this matter to give better picture of how I think this thing works (please acknowledge that this equation is a simplified — or some might say oversimplified model to represent the real condition; therefore it may not reflect EVERY single case out there, but I think this works in general sense).

I know some of you don’t like or even downright despise math — but please bear with me to take a look a the equations I made. I assure you this is FUN math (I guess…I hope you find it fun as well) and much much less complicated than those you found at the trigonometry or integral and differential math classes.

The equation goes like this :

Eligibility = WhoYouAre  x WhatYouDo
where :
WhoYouAre is a binary variable
WhatYouDo is a real variable

Value of WhoYouAre variable represents a person’s “given” –I acknowledge  that the word “given” makes it look like this is an unchangeable attribute; well the truth is these attribute (will be elaborated later) CAN be changed, but rather hard to, and even though one managed to, it takes quite some time

Okay Wait Up… you say

According to your equation, the WhoYouAre variable is a binary, meaning the value is either 1 or o…So, the failure in getting the value of 1 in WhoYouAre variablle will make the equation goes like this : (represented in WhatYouDo variable)

Eligibility = 0 (zero) x WhatYouDo = 0 (zero) = Ineligible(???)

So in short you’re saying that if someone don’t fulfill some qualification regarding who they are (because it’s what WhoYouAre variable is about) no matter what they do (represented in WhatYouDo variable) , it will be for naught….WHAT THE HELL?!!

I’m sorry to say, but bluntly speaking…yes that’s one of the point of the equation. I know that some of you may argue that this is untrue. But please hear out (or in this case, blog-wise…read out) my explanation beforehand. I understand why this idea might be disturbing for some or even maybe for most, it’s because of “people constantly feel the NEED to have CONTROL”. My idea make some uncomfortable because it indicates how crucial a variable which is not under your control in determining your eligibility. You can’t control whether you are born in a wealthy family or not, you can’t choose your looks before you are being born, you can’t choose the society will be born in (and therefore  predict what values will be “injected” to your mind) and YET, these things act as a prerequisite of your eligibility in the face of your romantic partner prospect. If you don’t have some qualification regarding it, everything else you do won’t help your chance of ever engaging romantically with the one you fancy — a prerequisite. Yeah…fairness.., I see that it’s a sensitive issue. Many won’t accept that the world is unfair, many won’t accept that sometimes effort can’t outrun mere luck. But let’s take an honest look around and an honest look back and ask yourself this “how many unfairness do you see exist around you? How many times you stumble to a condition where you say ‘that’s unfair’ but yet as the time passes the condition stay unchanged?” or “Haven’t you seen slackers that’s doing significantly better than the hard-workers?”. Got my point? It’s not ideal, I know but unfortunately it’s the truth — the ugly truth some might say.

Okay let’s drop the “fairness” issue and just got back to our main topic, the eligibility model. Now that you know the significance of the WhoYouAre variable, you just gotta have a closer look right? What this variable really consist of?

The equation to determine the value of WhoYouAre variable goes like this :

WhoYouAre = ROUND[(FAQ+PQ+GC+VC)/4]

Okay, now let’s go through every variable in that equation :

  • FAQ stands for Fixed Attribute Qualification. This represents whether someone fulfill a certain preference standard of his/her romantic partner prospect’s regarding given attribute such as looks and talents and ability. FAQ is also a binary variable. FAQ value will be 1 if the person fulfill the standard and 0 if the person don’t.
  • PQ stands for Possession Qualification. This represents whether someone fulfill a certain preference standard of his/her romantic partner prospect’s regarding wealth. Again PQ is a binary variable. PQ value will be 1 if the person is wealthy enough to surpass the standard and 0 if not.
  • GC stands for Goal Compatibility. GC is yet another binary variable. This represents whether someone and his/her romantic partner prospect are after the same thing (in general) or not. If they do the value of GC will be 1 and 0 if the don’t.
  • VC stands for Value Compatibility. Guess what? You should be familiar with it by now, yes this is yet another binary variable. Everyone has their own sets of value of which they value highly and well…not so highly, right? Well, this variable represents whether someone and his/her romantic partner prospect share a “compatible” sets of value. “Compatible” doesn’t mean they must share the same sets of value though (it will virtually be Impossible). However, Ican’tsay to be exact how many is the minimal number of similar values shared between the two or the maximal number of conflicting value between the two to be able to be said “compatible”. This is more of a subjective field. But worry not, you’ll know whether you are compatible (value-wise) with some one or not — you got feelings and intuition, right? (Sorry I know, this explanation is still rather delicate, but for now this is all I got). Either way…, if one’s set of values is compatible with his/her romantic partner prospect’s, the value of VC will be 1 and as usual it’ll be 0 if not.

ROUND[x] Function

in this case, x=(FAQ+PQ+GC+VC)/4

  • if x < 0.5 then Round[x] = 0
  • if x>0.5 then Round[x]=1
  • if x = 0.5 then it depends on your romantic partner prospect’s demanding level.
    • if x= 0.5 and your romantic partner prospect is rather “demanding” then Round[x]=0
    • if x= 0.5 and your romantic partner prospect is rather “not so demanding” then Round[x]=1

Still not convinced that “who you are” (represented in the 4 dimensions above) is significant? Okay let’s go through that four dimensions mention earlier okay?

  • Fixed attribute (looks, physical feature, abilities, talents) is important because…Oh! I got a  rather “exciting”  example. Ask your teenage sister or any of your teenage female acquaintance about Edward Cullen‘s (he’s a character in Stephenie Meyer’s novel lest you don’t know) “romantic protective and caring” acts (Errrr….<<this unofficial umm.. “commentary” is really not supposed to be here, but well…). Now let’s ask them to change Edward Cullen to “their unattractive classmate” and ask them to picture him to do the same “romantic protective and caring” acts as Edward Cullen’s. Now they’re no longer refer it to “romantic protective and caring” acts, now they’re calling it the way I’m calling it : STALKING!! Got my point? I hope you do.
  • Possession (as in wealth) is important because…C’mon…Do I really need to elaborate this? As much as people hate to admit that it is an issue in a relationship, the fact is : it IS. Nuff said.
  • In elaborating the significance of goal and value, I’ll use an analogy. Having a relationship is like running a three legged race. In analogy to the race, your goal is your destination of the race, and your values are the parameters. Can you imagine running a three legged race with someone having different race destination from your? It can be done, sure all you have to do is reaching those two destinations in turn. But it will require more efforts and therefore more tiresome, not to mention the conflict that may occur : whose destination should be reached first? As for the case with values as the parameters, imagine this : you’re trying to run a marathon while your partner trying sprint. Though and very tiring isn’t it? Same is before, it can be done…but it’ll be very hard — if not EXTREMELY hard. Got my point? I guess you do!

Okay, now that we’re pretty much gone through the WhoYouAre section, let’s move on to WhatYouDo….

What’s that? this post has gone long enough–too long even? Whew, I guess you’re right. I don’t want to bore you out so let’s just continue this some other post okay? We’ll talk about WhatYouDo variable of the equation and the importance of Value compatibility because in turned to be, not only in WhoYouAre equation, Value play a role in WhatYouDo equation too. So.., be waiting for Part 2!


So The Chances Are You Better Off Flirting With…

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Okay so one day me and my sis were grabbing some slices of pizza and enjoying a nice evening meal at one of the largest mall in Jakarta and she ask me if I will ever flirt with random girls I meet in public places such as the mall.

Well, I’m not that extroverted a person so flirting with some strangers I meet randomly is kind of a challenge for me plus,  such a thing is hardly common here in Indonesia. But if I think it’s worth it (or I simply don’t have anything better to do anyway) why not?–it turns out to be, just a couple of weeks afterward I did (but I ain’t gonna tell you about it  boo-hoo)

And then she (as in mys sister lest you forget) raises the bar : “what if she’s with her group of friends, will you still approach her?” and then “what if she’s with her family?”

Trying to throw a joke I said “I’m not sure…, but if she’s with her guy, I’ll definitely approach her” of course followed by a *lol*

But then we look into it a bit more and Hey! Flirting with a girl who is currently hanging out with her guy is probably a good idea! (okay by now you have two choices : think of me as an insane soul or just play along realizing this will eventually turned out  to be a joke, kinda uncommon and a bit extreme kind of jokes but it’s just me and my jokes. I STRONGLY suggest the latter). Okay, so let’s start analyzing :

when you’re out in a mall…

  • Consideration in approaching a girl who is ALONE at the time

Okay first off we should consider her sexual preference. Well, you gotta admit nowadays people are more open about their sexual preference, more and more people are confirming that they are attracted to the same sex. If she is alone, there’s no way to tell for sure whether she will enjoy a company of a guy or she prefer a company of another girl. Plus a research said that female are more likely to have homosexual tendencies than male. oh cr*p, there you go first uncertainty you face when you’re approaching a girl who is alone.

Secondly, let’s consider er own willingness to engage in romantic situations. You never know, she might just ended a long relationship, or just lost someone dear to her, etc. But the fact that she is alone may as well mean that she is NOT looking for company at the time being and flirting with her may not be the smartest thing you’ll ever do. But of course the fact that she is alone, may also mean a good news for you. But still, we don’t know for sure , so that my friend mark the second uncertainty in dealing a girl who is hanging out alone.

Okay, next on let’s consider family approval. As insignificant as it is in your opinion, it’s undeniable that in eastern culture especially here in Indonesia, family approval towards your relationship play quite a major role. A girl may just be as mature as supposed to be in her age, but her dear old mom and dad may still insist that “she’s not ready yet” to engage in any romantic situations and rather should concentrate on her so-called academic and career issues (as lame as you think it may be, sometimes people value family’s demands or more popular by the term ‘obligations’ very highly and just go along with that “no romance allowed” rule). Well, the fact that she is hanging out alone, my friends once again leaves us with uncertainty about her family approval. Maybe she’s alone because she ain’t got no partner because she’s not allowed to, but also maybe because she’s just enjoying her time with herself — but still we don’t know which for certain.

Lastly I think we should consider her own interest towards you. Female, we can never figure out a their pattern of choosing partner. Some just go crazy when they see your rugged good looks and sculptured six packs, some don’t give a shit unless you’re filthy rich, some expect you to be an incarnation of Romeo Montague, etc. And that my friends, is another uncertainty, is it not?

  • Consideration in approaching a girl who is WITH HER GROUP OF FRIENDS at the time

Again for the point about sexual preference, there’s no certain way to tell a girl’s sexual preference when she’s outing with her group of friends (well except maybe if she’s extremely expressive towards her fondness of a certain people in her group of friends, which I guess the likelihood is rather low). So again in this point for a girl going out with her groups of friends we find an uncertainty.

Second point, her willingness to engage in a romantic situation. The fact that she’s hanging out with her friends may mean that “for this time I’m comfortable with just friends with no chance of romance attached” or may simply mean “now I just wanna hang with my friends, but I’m open to romance any other time”. But still, we don’t know for sure so let’s mark it as another uncertainty.

Family approval point, again you can’t tell from the situation. Maybe she’s hanging out with “just friends” because her family do not approve her to engage in any romantic matter or maybe it’s not that at all. Another uncertainty.

Her interest towards you, I guess we agreed that for this point it’s always uncertain.

  • Consideration in approaching a girl who is WITH HER FAMILY at the time

(Well peeps, I’m tired of restating my elaboration, and I guess if I do that you most probably be bored of the redundant explanation right? So we’ll cut it short)

Sexual preference : uncertain.

Willingness to engage on any romantic situation : uncertain.

Family approval : uncertain.

Her interest towards you : uncertain.

  • Consideration in approaching a girl who is WITH HER GUY at the time

Sexual preference : it’s kinda obvious is it not? She’s with her GUY. So…, we can be certain about her sexual preference. She prefers male.

Willingness to engage in romantic situations : duh! You see her in a public place, with her partner, it’s obvious  that she is willing to engage in a romantic situations. Another mark for certainty.

Family approval : well, let’s use some common sense. If your family do not approve your relationship with your partner, will you risk going out to a public place where a lot of people can come by you? What if your nosy neighbor or your uncle catch you red-handed? So I guess, if you find a girl who’s hanging out with her guy in a mall or some public places, you can virtually be certain about her family approval of her engaging in a romantic matter.

You may think for the point : her interest towards you we got another certainty, but in a negative way as in : certainly not it is. But hey, don’t be so pessimistic. It’s not that she’s wearing his ring or something, right? And you should remember that nowadays more and more people start thinking that “faithfulness” pre-matrimony is highly overrated. Isn’t that what dating is all about? So if someone have some doubts about his/her current partner, he/she can reconsider and maybe end up with another who is a better fit for them (because they haven’t vowed “till death do us part” right? So before they are engaged or married, it may as well be “till a much much  more eligible person do us part” or even “till boredom do us part”). And know what, I guess the number of cases in which someone left one’s partner for the sake of another person is increasing (slightly it may be but still… increasing!). So, in this point we got another uncertainty (which for once is kinda works in your favor).

Well then let’s sum it up : for  girl who is ALONE, or WITH HER GROUP OF FRIENDS, or WITH HER FAMILY at the time you see her in a mall or a cafe you got uncertainty in all 4 consideration points (sexual preference, willingness to engage in romantic situation, family approval, and her own interest towards you lest you forget ) — Whew, the prospect don’t sound too good for those ain’t it?

But on the other hand, for a girl who is WITH HER GUY at the time you see her in a mall or a cafe you got 3 certainty and 1 uncertainty (which kinda works in your favor) out of the 4 consideration points. So…, according to the  analysis towards the consideration you better off flirt with the girl who is WITH HER GUY at the time you meet her in public places right? Yeah maybe you won’t get her to be fond of you instantly, and perhaps her guy will give you a bruised eye for hitting on is girl, but maybe just maybe if you can manage to get her to has your number (and prove to her how bold you are for hitting on her right before her guy’s eyes — chic loves courageous lad right? RIGHT? And holding on to the sayings : fortune favors the bold) …who knows, maybe she will call you anytime soon. =)

IMPORTANT NOTE : I’m writing it down merely for formality, I’m 89,98633% sure that you all understand fully that this is mean to be some really-weird-shrewd-witty explanatory joke right? And therefore YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY, okay? Great!